blog.05 (go back »)

For years, I've had a distinct problem with believing in anything. To get lost in a belief of an unknown spiritual being who supposedly knows all and can control all was like someone trying to convince me that I can breath underwater. And as much as I tried to put my faith in man, man was quick to disappoint me. Family, friends, the women I've dated, teachers, mentors, acquaintances; they've all been a letdown, or a letdown waiting to happen. I found myself alienated at 20 years old. With no urge to be social, go out and enjoy these glory years for what they're worth. I saw no point and had no purpose. I could even go as far to say that I saw no real reason for my own existence since I had even given up on the idea of marriage, leaving a legacy and being remembered for anything in this world. If I didn't have such strong objections to suicide, and if my own dignity and foolish pride weren't such looming authority figures in my mind, then I would've found a way to put an end to my own existence a long time ago. At one point, at 14, I even tried that, now that I think of it. I woke up in the hospital.

Whatever.

Love has been one of these absurd ideas that I found myself fighting. The potential of love gives me hope for my own future and for humanity, but since it has escaped me, I chalked that up as a loss, too. Blame it on the anger within that I experienced growing up, but every time I tried to acknowledge my emotions, it always backfired sometime during the process of any 'tender' realization I ever tried to have. This explains my past habit of serial dating women much older than me for the promise of that emotional stability and reciprocated love. The intelligence has always measured up (since I'm rather picky), and since I often targeted the 26-35 age group, I had this preconceived notion that they wanted exactly what I wanted. Go figure, an elder, and not even 21 years old who thinks death is around the corner. My train of thought was so melodramatic that I had no choice but to become a writer of depressing satire and cynical social commentary. Its just too fitting.

My social skills are hereditary; personality traits of both parents. My cynicism is a product of my own observations of all those around me. I quickly came to the conclusion at an early age that everyone in this world, everyone, is an absolute bastard that will put an incision in your trachea for the right price, even those who birthed you. But with the patience of my grandmother, and the blurred hope that my sister won't have to experience the darker aspects of life, I push these ill thoughts to the side and lived as best I could, moving from day to day in a methodical fashion. To substitute the lack of love, I started having sex more often, thinking that it would somehow suffice.  Obviously, it didn't, but that just gave way to the freedom. The confidence that I already had, plus the confidence in knowing I could find a "nice girl" for the evening, gave me a certain charismatic edge when approaching women for that one thing, and just like that, I had completely destroyed any remaining concept I had of a relationship.

Moving through my short-lived college stint, and joining the military, I immediately developed the "live fast" mindset. And surely enough, I did things constantly that should kill me. Weaving through traffic, going 120mph on the freeway? Sure, why not? Walking through an unknown part of LA, staring people down and provoking a fight? Easy. Fun, even. Cruising by a cop on the highway and shooting him the bird? Oh yea, count me in on that one. Death had ceased to be a serious matter, and if I found myself deceased, maybe I'd enter another world better than this one. It was a lifestyle that was more sustained through thought and attitude, rather than actively doing things that were downright stupid. I didn't mind, and I could muster up a smile thanks to my sadistic pleasure of loathing everything and everyone. I had no hope for a better tomorrow, and no hope for humanity. Nearly seven years of this mindset and now I'm rethinking nearly seven years of my life. I was a dumb-ass.

Love exists.