blog.06 (go back »)

"Knowledge of the self is the mother of all knowledge. So it is incumbent on me to know my self, to know it completely, to know its minutiae, its characteristics, its subtleties, and its very atoms." -Khalil Gibran

There is a growing gap between those that I've known and loved for years, and the young man that fights to attain peace of mind each day. I feel so disconnected from everyone, and it has reached a point where I feel like my family wouldn't recognize me if they saw me. My entire demeanor has changed. I often question if I really want to cross paths once again with the friends and acquaintances that I've met over the years. What may have attracted me to them in the past, may be foreign concepts to me now. My mind is elsewhere, and I've focused to exceed my own expectations, which could possibly be too high.

The solution to all of my life's woes for years was to run. I ran, and I ran, and I ran like a coward until I was in a better situation. I laugh mockingly at the attitude I once had and the mindset that hindered my growth as a young man. To think of who I've affected negatively due to my reckless disregard for consequence pinches a nerve, or so this is the feeling that ensues. Then, I thank my former self for the ignorance and poor choices. I thank the child that would fight until he was bloody but would run from a fight. Without the mirror's ridicule, I would have never learned to take a few punches to the chin and still remain proud.

Time continues to move forward, and I can no longer be the one to please others at their convenience. This is both a relief and a disappointment, but logic dictates that it is only for the best. It is strange to even begin to explain this to others, but all I ask of anyone is to trust in my ability to judge my own character, for no one can comprehend the feelings of those brown eyes in the mirror other than me. This is a period of necessary selfishness that must occur for my own self-improvement. And in due time, when I greet my disconnected brethren again, I will be the friend, the mentor, the teacher, or the student, who will be of better benefit to all I reach.

Peace.